Fast, furious, filthily, f-f-freaking loud—only one name means all of these things.  We’re here tonight to honor one of the world’s most significant rock bands by inducting them into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.  Although they were only together for a brief 11 months, they played 587 concerts, recorded 14 singles and one magnificent album.  I’m talking of course about Used Toothbrush—the band that single-handedly took Britain, and then the world by storm.  In their working class revolution, they held all their barrels and only took prisoners.  

Lead singer Richey Fart was born in a straw hut in the Brixton area of London in 1953.  At the age of four, he began working at the local steel mill.  These times would later influence the working class spirit of his lyrics.  He continued to work at the mill until economic hardship closed the plant 1976.

That fall, he met Englebert “Eg”  Martin, Kurt Salmon and D Turtleneck while attending an Episcopalian church.  Together, the four stole the church’s PA equipment and quickly formed a band called Raw Steak.  However, none of the members owned instruments.  After months of deliberation, they hocked the PA equipment and bought used instruments from the back of a Rastafarian’s truck.  And so, Used Toothbrush officially formed, with Eg Martin on guitar, Kurt Salmon on drums, D Turtleneck on bass and Richey Fart supplying his trademark vocals.

They soon began playing at London’s now famous 23 7/16 Club.  At their first performance, they were booed off stage.  At their second performance, they were booed off stage.  But at their third performance, they were booed off stage.  Finally they found a way to clam the audience:  Richey would shout streams of profanity at them.  From then on, the audience only threw rotten food items at them.  And people came in droves to do so.

When asked in an interview if this offended the band, Fart explained, “Maybe it seems offensive to you bourgeois, high horse, monarchist.  But for us real people, we know that our fans are providing us with food to live on.  Not that I care about fans.  Fans are just a bunch of useless, toad licking, blind followers who don’t have a single original idea in their brain.”

Attendance at their concerts skyrocketed.  They were a juggernaut on top of the world. In brilliant songs like “Working Class Sucks” and “Blow It Out Your Ear,” their lyrics perfectly captured the rebellion at the time. “You’re just gonna blow it, blow it out your ear, blow it out your ear.  You can’t teach me how to fear.  ‘Cause I don’t believe in anyone but me.”

But Used Toothbrush’s position soon became threatened.  First, the band fired bassist D Turtleneck because “he liked the Beatles.”  The band replaced him with Ace Proletarian, the wealthy son of an investment banker.  At age seven, D Turtleneck had lost both his hands in a freak toaster accident.  Despite this, he was still a better bassist that Proletarian.

Soon after, during an appearance on the BBC’s Economic News, Eg Martin accidentally said the word “trousers.”  The backlash was tremendous.  Numerous BBC employees were fired.  And not only was Used Toothbrush banned from all clubs in the entire world, they were also retroactively banned from their previous performances.  The owner of the 23 7/16 Club even attempted to build a time machine to prevent Used Toothbrush from ever playing there.  His efforts failed.

In an attempt to save their livelihood, the band planned a high profile concert, playing knee-high in a London duck pond.  It was there that they first performed their most infamous song—“The Prime Minister is a Doo-doo Head.”  Riots ensued.  Fart was hit in the head with a watering can and had to be hospitalized for three weeks.  But the song went on to become their biggest hit.  It reached number 1024 on the BME music charts.

By now, the band was beginning to fall apart because of Ace Proletarian’s crippling, crippling, addiction to porcelain ballerina figurines.  For their first tour outside of England, they stormed the Welsh countryside.  They played not just for sheep farmers, but also for wool spinners.  But in the middle of the tour, Richey Fart suddenly left the band, saying “I can deal with riots and abuse by rotten apple, but if I see one more glass ballerina…”  Without Fart’s cursing, the audience wouldn’t accept the band.  Soon the remaining members cut the tour short and parted ways.

Even though they broke up over 30 years ago, Used Toothbrush still has an enormous effect on popular music.  Bands such as Good Charlotte, Blink 182 and Fall Out Boy all cite Toothbrush as an influence.  Green Day front man, Billy Joe Armstrong, once said, “We would have never gotten started if it wasn’t for Used Toothbrush.  Thy influenced our attitudes, our style and our music.”

When told of Armstrong’s comments, Richey Fart was overjoyed and said, “He makes me want to blow chunks,” and “my left buttock could make a better band."  This was the greatest complement Fart has ever given another musician.

Tonight they are being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of fame to celebrate their legacy of destruction, damage and dolls.  This is also their first performance since their original break up in 1977.  I’m certain that these rich, overweight 50 year olds will be just as rancorous, rebellious, and repellant as they were 30 years ago.

Without further ado, I give you Used Toothbrush.  Let’s make some noise people!